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Experience of people - 07

I am a blank slate, easy to omit from the memory of anyone whom I may happen to meet and easy to be rewritten just the way I just want.

An utter disappointment folded into so many layers that even God may now wish anything but to take the tedious task of unfolding. As a general convention, people are able to find a capsule in which they can trace the origin of their misery. But my life has been a disgrace, is and will continue to be of disgrace . For this, I only have myself to blame, whether it be my unsuppressed ambitious urge for knowledge , where I went so deep that I can no longer stay in the veil that hungs over eyes of most people or it be the fact that my fears that I had thought unfounded, being validated increasingly with time . I find myself in a place where there is no parallel . I have friends or at least people who I can say conventionally as friends, people who believe in my intelligence and strength despite knowing nothing of my failures. I am utterly weak, just like an infant in this world but maybe that infant's position is more enviable than mine, for she can still enjoy the bliss that my soul can't imagine any longer. At the present moment, if some outsider were to pay a visit into my life like a hypothetical delegate or angels sent by God, he would certainly refute all of my assertions. But I am not here to beg for someone's sympathy or kindness or forgiveness or even empathy.

As I said in the beginning and apparent from the lines I speak so callously, I am a sick person. I am a terribly imbecile person who is insipid to end , one can't help but only blame the actor and yet in fleeting moments of glory, I am the most arrogant person, despite the true destiny being nothing but a bleak dystopian future for me.

I suppose in end, if I am already assured that happiness won't greet my doors any longer, I may as well habituate myself to suffering soon, whether it be here due to lack of achieving anything or getting any of wish fulfilled or be in hell where I am bound to suffer.

Oh God! I love you unlike any other but no matter what, I will never ask for your mercy. Punish this wicked for all eternity in damnation if so be pleasing to your heart. For what could be greater redemption for this wretched soul but to be of use and fulfillment for the creator of all desires.


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