Sometimes I feel like I was I was born with
some kind of sadness mixed with my blood,
But with a spirit that refuses to accept defeat.
I was the funny friend of my friends group. You
know the one that gives you advises and listens
your problems. I was the joker of my childhood
friends group. I was always carefree and
friendly . I still remember one of my friend
saying “ Noor ko to kabhi kisi chiz ki tension hi
nahi rehti hai “ (Noor is never worried about
anything) but I still remember crying alone and
not sharing my problems with anyone because I
thought only fools share emotions and as if it
was a weakness, I remember bottling up my
thoughts and emotions. It was all bearable until
I was thirteen. But after that things began to
change not just at home but in school as well. I
began to indulge in a lot of overthinking. In
eight standard I got separated from my friends
group as I got section A while they got B. I start
feeling a little left out as I became that friend
who was mostly unaware about the things
happening in our group. Sad part was that
even there I started feeling an outcast and that
hurts. In my own family I’ve always felt like that
for some reason. We are a family of six
member.
My parents , my elder sister, my elder brother,
me and my younger brother. We were always a
normal middle class family. My father was
always busy in his work (finance agent) and my
mother is a also a school teacher so she was
also busy.
They didn’t get much time to give the
emotional security to give to their children. And
I don’t blame them either. It’s just that when I
turned fourteen my father came to live with us
and before that he would only come for a week
or something. Because he was working in our
hometown. While we moved here for our
education. My father was very different from
my mother he has changed now with age but
back then he was this young, angry man who
demanded much from life and from everyone
around. But he was also very loving sometimes
he gave us the best education and he only
wanted the best from us but I was kind of used
to the laid back and relaxed environment that
my mother created so it was new to me and a
little difficult I admit. Not to say I don’t love
him. But I guess my relationship with him was
never very good. My parents never had a
romantic kind of relationship they were mostly
involved in arguments, we grew up watching
arguments and fights. Perhaps both of my
parents were at fault you can’t just blame one
person but I was too young too know. When I
turned fourteen I started thinking about
everything it's like my mind became an enemy
to me. I started being paranoid with my peers
as well. I remember how I stopped talking too
much or laughing in school as I expected my
friends to be there for me and stay patient with
me but I remember being mocked and called as
becoming ‘antonio’ ( with nameless
melancholy) (Shakespeare character) by a
friend. But I guess when you are in those times
no one really understands the inner struggles
that you are going through. As they say- “pain
demands to be felt”. My pain was funny to the
people around..
Because I was supposed to be the funny friend.
But I was tired I was sad and I was tired of
pretending anymore. That friendly, goofy girl
became an aloof and serious girl. But I thought
my friends wouldn’t leave me. Perhaps it was
my fault I stopped being the friend with jokes
and advises but I became the one who needed
it. That’s when I become alone. Maybe it was
my fault but I just needed someone to
understand what I wasn’t willing to talk about
because I didn’t know how to.
My “friends” abandoned me.
My family was dealing with financial issues as
well. We lived in a rented house with two
room. Privacy was only a luxury. I still
remember trying to study for my board exams
while my parents and siblings talked loudly or
had arguments. It was hard. Not anyone’s fault
but It was all taking a toll on me.
After tenth standard I got the opportunity to go
to Delhi by getting an admission in Jamia Millia
Islamia. So I studied hard and prayed to get into
it. Although I was really pessimistic but I got
selected and it was something that made me
truly happy after a long time.
Unaware of the million challenges awaiting me
there. I just decided to go there and my parents
were supporting enough to send me as well. In
Jamia getting a hostel was really difficult back
then. At first I stayed in a PG with a friend that
I made in the entrance exam. As the tiffin
services were expensive we decided to cook on
our own. It was terrific. Our dal would get
burned. Our sink would get clogged . We had to
do the dishes after coming back from school.
Just two seventeen year old girls trying to settle
in a new city while the owner annoyed us with
his unexpected visits. So after a month my
friend decided to leave and she didn’t tell me
about it when I had already paid the rent. One
day her brother came while she packed and
left.
I cried that night. Felt alone and broken.
Nevertheless things got better but then my
mother asked me to shift to my relatives house
who were living in Delhi. They had a family of
five. My uncle, aunt their two sons and a
daughter. I was scared to live with them
because although they seemed nice, I felt
wrong about it.
But seeing my mother’s trust I agreed. When I
started living with them that’s when my mental
health kind of deteriorated. It was just that I
hated how sarcastic they were about
everything also how insensitive people become
sometimes not that they abused me or
anything but just something I can’t quite
explain. I felt like a total stranger burdened on
them. Perhaps I was but when I complained
about it to my family they made it look like I
was someone who needed more comfort
someone who was arrogant while they were
ready to keep me. I never tried to paint them in
a bad picture but I just wanted someone to
understand. I was so young. I was a child.
I wasn’t a villian. But asking for something bare
minimum made me feel like. Its not that they
were all like that it wasn’t even their fault they
were doing their best for a unsolicited guest at
home, but my family should have understood.
But I guess no one is to blame but the
circumstances. I remember trying to explain to
my brother how bad I felt but then him making
me feel like I am creating unnecessary drama
and as suffering in silence is what everyone’s
supposed to do. Not that he didn’t love me but
I guess it’s just how he was. I still remember
crying alone in that room upstairs. No friends,
no one to listen just me and my agony
becoming closer to each other.
But that’s when I also became closer to God. I
stopped expecting anyone to understand me, I
started replying more on God. In those times I
realised no matter how many explanations you
give people can only get your perspective
within their emotional intelligence. Now I am
not saying that people are dumb but just that
expecting someone to understand your
situation truly is perhaps asking a bit too much.
Perhaps becoming your own best friend,
learning how to be kind to yourself and being
patient with your own self is very important.
In 2020 I got diagnosed with retina
degeneration. I had to get a laser therapy done.
My eyesight was getting worse. I still remember
crying suddenly and shivering. The uncertainty
about the future would give me immense
anxiety. It’s like I could be laughing on a joke
halfway and my mind would remind me about
how my eyesight is so weak and how my future
is bleak and I would just start feeling worthless
all of a sudden. I would cry sometimes loudly,
sometimes quietly. My family called me crazy, I
felt like a bad child, ungrateful about the
blessings.
But I swear to God I was grateful but I was
afraid. I felt so alone. I needed someone to tell
me that It's only God who knows the future and
the way he has taken care of me until now. He
will take care of me further as well. After he
doesn’t burden a should beyond it can bear.
Times were tough and I still go through phases
of sadness but now I suppose I’ve stopped
asking much from life and the people around
me. I know I am not the best version of myself
but I’ve learnt to accept this imperfect and not
so best me.
And these days I am just trying to be more
compassionate with myself and be more
patient in my journey just like I would do to
my bestfriend, I am trying to befriend
myself….
(Noor E Hera)
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